All I Want For Christmas Is Some Sanity
by Red Witch
Summary: Which Lana will not get as long as she's dating Archer. Or working at the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters or anything else in real life is wrapped up in a present somewhere. This was inspired by a catalog I was leafing through. Just more madness people.**

 **All I Want For Christmas Is Some Sanity **

Lana was in the bullpen reading a magazine when she heard the commotion.

CRASH!

"Come back here!" Krieger yelled.

Lana looked up from her magazine to see a pale robotic hand skitter across the floor like Thing's demented robot cousin. "Oh great…"

"Come back here!" Krieger chased after the robotic hand. "As much fun as it is reliving the Addams Family we have work to do! Come back here! Do you hear me?"

Krieger then realized. "Oh wait you can't because you're a hand. Still…" He rounded the corner.

"I don't even want to **know** ," Lana shook her head and went back to her magazine.

"Lana!" Archer was shouting from the next room. "LANA! LANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"WHAT?" Lana shouted in frustration as Archer walked in.

"I figured out what you can give me for Christmas!" Archer grinned.

"For the last time Archer," Lana sighed. "I'm not giving you a blowjob."

"It's not **that,"** Archer waved. "But just for argument's sake, **why not?** It's certainly cheaper!"

"That's not a good reason for doing it," Lana gave Archer a look.

"Carol gave me a blowjob once."

" **That's** a good reason why you're not getting one from me!" Lana snapped.

"Oh…" Archer blinked. "I guess technically that would be a repeat on gifts. Yeah I can see your point."

"Not really but I'll take it," Lana sighed.

"Anyway I was talking about **this**!" Archer showed Lana a catalog.

"Archer," Lana sighed. "I'm **not** getting you a snowball launcher. Not after what happened the **last time** you had one!"

"First of all," Archer corrected. "Brett had to go to the hospital anyway to get his cast taken off. And his nose wasn't **that** broken. Secondly I was talking about **this!"** He pointed to a picture in the catalog.

"Whisky glasses?" Lana sighed.

"Award winning Glencarin Whisky glasses," Archer grinned. "Winner of the Queen's award for innovation!"

"I thought you were a Stubend guy?"

"That's more Mother's taste," Archer waved. "But listen to this."

"Do I have a choice?" Lana sighed.

Archer went on. "This set of four glasses is designed specifically for tasting whisky and is recognized as the best in the world."

"Archer," Lana sighed. "I've seen you drink scotch from every container imaginable. Including a box!"

"First of all," Archer said. "It wasn't a box. It was a cleaned-out milk carton. And we were on a stakeout back in the old days and my thermos was full of margaritas. I couldn't use that one!"

"Why not?" Lana asked. "That's the state they would be in your liver."

"The point is that this is a set of four premium glasses that are a steal at under seventy bucks!" Archer grinned. "You could get me a set or two."

"Or two?"

"Well you know how things break around here," Archer said.

SMASH!

"MILTON!" Krieger called out. "STOP ZIPPING AROUND SO FAST! BEAKERS ARE EXPENSIVE!"

CRUNCH!

"GREAT! YOU RAN OVER MY HAND!" Krieger shouted. "Well my robot hand…On the upside it is easier to catch…"

"See what I mean?" Archer asked.

"First of all," Lana said. "Christmas is several months away. And the way you've been acting I'm not even sure we might even make it to Columbus Day! Let alone Christmas!"

"Oh God is this about Veronica Deane **again**?" Archer groaned. "How long are you going to be obsessed about her?"

"I was going to ask you the **same question** ," Lana gave him a look.

"Same question every day…" Cyril sighed as he walked in with Ray.

"With the same answers," Ray groaned.

"Do you mind?" Archer gave them a look.

"Actually we do," Ray said. "Would it kill you two to argue about **something else** for a change?"

"Change the record for God's sake," Cyril agreed.

"I mean could you idiots leave us alone so we can talk in private?" Archer groaned.

"Why?" Ray asked. "It's not like we haven't heard all this **before!"**

"So many, many times," Cyril sighed. "Plus, my agency. My bullpen. So…Not going anywhere."

"Still milking that huh?" Archer groaned.

"First of all," Lana said. "I didn't kiss Ellis Crane. Second, and this is more important. You kissed Veronica Deane!"

"She kissed me!" Archer snapped.

"HA!" Lana rolled her eyes. "More like you kissed her in order to make me jealous for no reason!"

"You were talking and flirting with Ellis Crane!" Archer snapped.

"After I saw you talking and flirting with that blond bimbo in the red dress!" Lana snapped. "So that's two women to one guy no matter how you look at it!"

"She's got a point there," Cyril remarked.

"And again she didn't kiss Crane so technically it's two to zero," Ray added.

"That's right," Cyril nodded. "So Lana's not even really on the board when it comes to cheating."

"Will you two idiots **shut up?"** Archer shouted. "I can do without the comments from the Peanuts Gallery."

"Don't you mean peanut gallery?" Cyril asked.

"That too," Archer said. "And I didn't kiss the blond in the red dress."

"Not for lack of trying I'll bet," Lana grumbled.

"I was trying to get some business from her!" Archer snapped.

"More like you were trying to get up in her business from where I was standing," Ray remarked.

"Again, shut up!" Archer snapped.

"Until she realized Archer wasn't a producer!" Pam called out from another room. "She turned him down faster than a hot lead enema!"

"YOU TOO!" Archer shouted.

"Can we steer away from Archer's mother issues for a moment?" Ray sighed.

"DON'T DRAG ME INTO THIS!" Mallory shouted from another room.

"Oh for crying out…" Archer groaned.

"Can you two just get back on the argument on why Archer should or shouldn't have whisky glasses for Christmas?" Ray asked. "Because honestly that is the more interesting argument."

"WHY BOTHER?" Mallory shouted. "HE'S JUST GOING TO BREAK THEM!"

"ARE YOU STILL MAD ABOUT YOUR STUPID STUBENDS?" Archer shouted.

"SOME OF THOSE SETS WERE GIFTS FROM ADMIRERS!" Mallory shouted back.

"YOU MEAN OLD BOYFRIENDS!" Archer snapped. "CALL A SUGAR DADDY A SUGAR DADDY!"

"DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO CRASS?" Mallory shouted.

"DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A PENIS SEEKING MISSILE?" Archer shouted back.

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL YOU GET THIS VULGARITY!" Mallory shouted. "I REALLY DON'T! YOU SURE AS HELL DIDN'T GET IT FROM ME!"

"YEAH RIGHT!" Archer snapped. "MAYBE I GOT IT FROM ALL THOSE DAMN BOARDING SCHOOLS YOU SENT ME TO?"

"That is usually where it starts," Mallory realized. "I know for sure you didn't get it from television and the movies."

"OH PLEASE!" Archer snapped. "YOU WERE TAKING ME TO R RATED MOVIES WHEN I WAS SEVEN!"

"ONLY TO TEACH YOU ABOUT LIFE!" Mallory shouted.

"WHAT EXACTLY WAS I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM **ANIMAL HOUSE?"** Archer shouted. "Besides how to throw a good toga party."

"I MISREAD THE TITLE!" Mallory shouted. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A ZOO DOCUMENTARY OR SOMETHING!"

"How would anyone think Animal House was a **documentary**?" Ray asked. "What did she mistake John Belushi for Marlin Perkins or something?"

"I DIDN'T READ THE REVIEWS! OKAY?" Mallory shouted. "LOOK WOODHOUSE WASN'T AROUND AND I NEEDED TO DROP STERLING SOMEWHERE FOR A FEW HOURS WHILE I HAD A DATE!"

"WHERE WAS HE **THAT TIME**?" Archer asked.

"OH WHO REMEMBERS?" Mallory shouted.

"ME!" Archer shouted. "I REMEMBER!"

"Does anyone here remember how to use an indoor voice?" Cyril groaned. "I'm seriously asking."

"We're kind of getting off track here," Lana sighed.

"We **always** get off track here," Ray said. "Nothing new about that."

"Anything is better than the Veronica Deane argument," Cyril agreed. "Because that has been done to death from every possible angle."

"For once Cyril I am in agreement with you," Archer said. "So can we talk about the scotch glasses?"

"Actually they did look pretty interesting," Cyril said. "I looked them up online. Lana, you should look at the website yourself."

"Yes!" Archer nodded.

"In fact," Cyril went to a nearby laptop. "I can bring up the website right now. And maybe there are some coupons or something you can use."

"Yes! Wait…Hang on! Wait no!" Archer realized something. "Uh Lana doesn't need to do that."

"Why not?" Lana sighed as she went over to the computer.

"Hang on!" Archer started to get nervous. "I changed my mind! I guess I am more of a Stubends guy!"

"Hey is that **Veronica Deane**?" Cyril asked innocently. "Endorsing Glencarin whiskey glasses?"

"Are you kidding me?" Lana did a double take. "ARE YOU F#$#$##$ KIDDING ME?"

" **There's** the new angle," Ray quipped.

"Archer…" Lana growled as she looked at him.

"Okay I can see how this looks…" Archer winced. "Let me explain…"

"What?" Lana barked. "You thought that if I gave you those whiskey glasses somehow it would be like Veronica Deane giving you those whiskey glasses?"

Archer frowned. "Okay…When you say it like that it sounds stupid. Which is not what it sounded like in my head…"

"Archer…" Lana balled up her hands into fists. Ray and Cyril wisely stepped aside.

"Lana wait!" Archer held up his hands. "Don't punch me in the balls! Please!"

"I won't," Lana said calmly. "I promise."

"You promise?" Archer winced.

"I promise," Lana said. "Your balls will be left alone."

"Oh. Okay then," Archer let out a sigh of relief. "Lana I…"

POW!

Archer was knocked to the floor with one punch in the nose by Lana. "Oooohhh…" Ray and Cyril winced at the same time.

"See?" Lana said sweetly. "I didn't punch you in the balls." She then walked away.

"Thank you…" Archer said weakly as some blood seeped out of his nostrils. "Ow…"

"I just got what I wanted for Christmas," Cyril grinned.

"Me too," Ray smirked.

"What I want for Christmas is for you two to **get it,"** Archer groaned in pain. "That being said…I need to get some tampons. Again."

"You realize at this rate you're using them almost as much as the women, right?" Ray snorted.

"Why do you think I have box of them in my office?" Archer groaned as he sat up.

"Me too!" Krieger called out.


End file.
